George Lawrence's Shorts - Trigger's broom

Saturday 5 August 2017
Did you get to Oldham? PClot did, the lucky blighter. Goals from Tap-In Thomas and the hipsters' choice Josh 'Don't call me Ruffles' Ruffels saw us bring home the bacon from the season opener at Boundary Park. Pre-match talk was of Kane Hemmings' omission from the starting line-up. The club said they weren't prepared to take a risk on the striker without being entirely clear on what that was; the risk of him looking bewildered as he shanks another chance agonisingly wide maybe?

Monday 7 August 2017 
Clearly one of them Brexit Remoaners, Faz says that English players are too expensive and is looking for some cheap foreign imports to bolster the squad. As he gently hid a zero-hours contract out of sight among his vintage collection of Shoot magazines, news broke that we've been linked with Ivo Pekalski.  

Tuesday 8 August 2017
And lo, PClot, Father of the Injury Prone, Friend of Journeymen, gets his man. The Swede worked with the Clotfather at Malmo and was signed with the money from Lunny. 

Now, you may have never heard of Carabao before they started sponsoring the Milk Cup, but it's been the second favourite drink of Thai teenage diabetics for nearly 15 years. Fittingly, a single can, containing 120% of your daily recommended dose of sugar, is not only a perfectly balanced organic nutritious drink for aspiring professional athletes, it will also help you stay awake during extra time while watching gentle poetic capitulations. The play-off against Cheltenham Town to find out who narrowly goes out in round 2 ended in a 3-4 defeat in the dead of the night.

Wednesday 9 August 2017
The pursuit of Eveals and his cunning plan to destroy Oxford United continued with the Fans Forum. In it, Eveals revealed that he's running a defender laundering racket through Solihull Moors by sending out the BFG Fiarce Kelleher (remember him?) on loan. He also confirmed there's a 'huge amount of politics in Oxford politics' but remained silent on how much Oxford there is. This is clearly a sign, it's just a question of deciding of what. PClot, meanwhile, categorically refused to confirm whether he had a goldfish. And if he's willing to hide that, what else might he be hiding?

Some sort of human trafficking operation if rumours from Prague are true. They've now revealed that winger Gino van Kessel is currently hidden in a compartment of a transit van waiting to board a ferry to sign a year's loan.

Thursday 10 August 2017
Well, put matching rucksacks on their backs, enrol them in an English language school and let them hang around Carfax Tower, Oxford has another foreigner in town. Gino van Kessel makes it signing number eight since PClot took over. With complex international clearance to negotiate, the club's senior fax operator Mick Brown was heard muttering 'I preferred it when I was dealing with the Eddie Hutchinson thing'.

Friday 11 August 2017
As Oxford evolve into the football equivalent of Trigger's broom, news now reaches us that Marvin Johnson is being eyed up by Hull. If that name rings a bell, Hull were the sun-fearing Portugese village team we beat on the club holiday. Don't do it Marv, these holiday romances never feel the same afterwards.

Then it was rumoured that Curtis Nelson is being chased by Leeds. Apparently he was spied at Elland Road a week ago. With resting Premier League giants Portsmouth visiting the Kassam tomorrow, don't be surprised to see long serving striker Gino van Kessel heading to Middlesborough before the weekend is out.