News round-up: Burn (in) 'ell

With the news that we’ve signed Joe Burnell today, Chris Williams can finally pull down his barely used copy of “Lower League Communications Officer’s Guide to Announcing New Signings”.

In it you’ll find glossary of key terms, these include:

• Tough tackling = psychotic
  
• Likes to get among the goals = has scored a goal
  
• Versatile = not very good, but cheap
  
• Holds the ball up well (for a striker) = doesn’t score
  
• Has captained = once wore captain’s armband for the final two minutes of a game because he happened to be standing next to the real captain when he broke his nose
  
• Didn’t work out (at his former club) = punched and/or sexually assaulted manager’s wife/daughter/assistant
  
• Manager knows him well = gave manager bung/daughter’s hand in marriage/blow job

And so on.

Gone are the days when you could read something into a new signing. Let’s face it, gone are the days when the manager knew much about the signing he’s just made. So a new face of any kind is welcome – even if he is another from the rich mine of Northamptonshire football (and presumably as much to do with not having to move house as anything). However, there’s along way to go - with no recognised right or left winger, or right or left back we could be playing very narrow next season.