George Lawrence's Shorts - Oxford's zombie apocalypse

Tuesday 7 November 2017
Is there a more intoxicating fixture in English football than MK Dons in the Checkatrade Trophy? Certainly the 13 people who attended Tuesday's game don't think so. PClot felt there were more positive points than negative ones in a game where there were emphatically three positive points and four negative ones. Oxford's goals came from Teeny Tiny Jack Payne twice, and El Bambino Rob Hall. PClot played a strong team (and Dwight Tiendelli) to face the 1988 FA Cup winners. The defeat, as is the norm in the Checkatrade parallel universe, meant we progress to the knock-out stages. Only 4 more defeats until Wembley!

Wednesday 8 November 2017
Evil Oxford United owner Darryl Eveals, is plumbing new depths by buying up all Saturday's commemorative poppy shirts. This is, depending on your prejudiced viewpoint, a farewell before selling the club, a great selfless gesture to recognise people who died on our behalf or a cynical PR move to cover up for the club's evident failings in getting promoted, derby wins, giant killings, sustained success in League 1 (and so on, and so forth). GLS thinks lazy cynicism is an admirable quality we should all aspire to because it makes us feel big and clever, we're pretty certain Eveals is just doing it to help Mrs Brown's Boys actors avoid tax.


Thursday 9 November 2017
Teeny Tiny Assist Machine Jack Payne is enjoying the novelty of having a growing stature, he's planning on seeing out the season with Oxford. Currently on loan from Huddersfield Town the micro machine is joint top scorer with Wes Tap-In Thomas this season. “I haven’t been told anything and I won’t get told anything, but as far as I know I expect to be here for the whole season." said Teeny Tiny demonstrating he was probably the wrong person to ask. Afterwards, Jack was shown committing to our cause by surreptitiously WhatsApp'ing "Hast du gesehen, wie viele assists ich hatte? Und ich bin etwa drei Zentimeter gewachsen." to Huddersfield's German coach David Wagner.

Friday 10 November 2017
2016s second best League 2 footballing team Northampton Town visit the Kassam tomorrow. PClot is relishing a lively atmosphere as the paranoid shoemakers get all uppity at any suggestion they didn't win the title in 2016 even though they evidently did (or did they?).

Saturday 11 November 2017   
Yowsers! Oxford did their level best to extend our enviable winless run in a 1-2 defeat. Wes Tap-in Thomas got us back into the game after conceding a scruffy opener. Then, a minute later, Brexit Tory Adryan Ledson was caught in a possession allowing the Cobblers' second goal. In an attempt to create a metaphor for the club's current predicaments, Are Leader Curtis Nelson then snapped his achilles and we all went home to cry into a biriyani in front of Strictly.

Monday 13 November 2017
Are leader Curtis Nelson's injury is a bad one. "It's a bad one" said PClot, and he was right, he's out for the season. Radio Oxford tried to see the bright side, suggesting that at least he wouldn't be going anywhere in January. Even PClot's impeccable English couldn't fashion a response to that idea.

Thursday 16 November 2017
Ain't no party like a physio's party at Oxford United. It's standing room only for those who can barely stand now El Bambino Rob Hall has knocked it off for the next four months with a bad knee.


Friday 17 November 2017
We're all off to the seaside tomorrow as we face Plymouth at Home Park looking for a first win in six. Aaron 'The Rumour' Martin will take the place of Are Leader Curtis Nelson. Jose Mousinho will wear the captain's armband. He said he feels gutted for El Bambino and Are Leader, while fining Malachi Napa for not wearing flip flops in the shower.

Saturday 18 November 2017
Kerplow! Goals from Brexit Tory Andryan Ledson, Tap-in Thomas, Henry James' James Henry and Dongeal's Finest Jonathan O'Bika destroyed the Pilgrims in a way they haven't experienced since dysentery swept through the Mayflower in the 17th century.

George Lawrence's Shorts - virgins, appreciating, potatoes

Sunday 29 October 2017
The Daily Mail reported that Oxford United fan Seb Keenan has just picked up a world record for playing the most consecutive seasons on Football Manager. Seb, who is pictured in the story pulling a series of lame cool-guy poses impresses us all with stories of losing his girlfriend and missing great chunks of his university years playing the game. Seb also holds the world records for the deadest eyes and biggest virgin.

Monday 30 October 2017
PClot feels a bit hard done by after our defeat to Fleetwood. In what the Oxford Mail described as 'truly a game of two halves', as opposed to a game of three halves, his firm belief is that that the progress is clear for everyone to see. Having lost to Fleetwood last year, we've gone one better and lost to them this year as well.

Tuesday 31 October 2017
Nobody appreciates Are Leader Curtis Nelson like Are Leader Curtis Nelson appreciates. As a result of clocking up 60 appearances, the club now has to cough up an additional £80k to Plymouth for his services, which for those who can't envisage how much that is, this is 11% of a Jon Lundstram.  

Thursday 2 November 2017
PClot won't be making any major changes to the team that faces Port Vale on Friday night. Having just completed his FA Cup for Foreign Managers' Awareness Training, he has dutifully vowed to 'respect the competition' because of its 'great history'.

Friday 3 November 2017 
The magic of the cup was in full effect as we disappeared in a puff of smoke with a lacklustre performance against Port Vale. Still, PClot can be proud of his record-breaking run which smashed the 17 year sequence of not being beaten by a team in a lower division and the record of never having gone out of the cup before Oxford City. Norris McWhirter could not be more proud if he weren't dead.

Saturday 4 November 2017
All is not lost! Oxford City, a team made up of journeymen pros, part-timers and former Oxford United youth team players that you still follow on Twitter but can't remember why, created one of the shocks of the round with a 1-0 win away at Colchester. Mark Jones, part-man-part-potato, is manager at Oxford City. “We’ll take it one game at a time, but if we can get into the third round and draw one of the Premier League clubs it can actually sustain the club for many, many years.” Said Jones resolutely not taking it one game at a time. 

George Lawrence's Shorts - crushed dreams, injured bottles, mechanised killing

Monday 16 October 2017
Like a droplet hanging on the end of a leaf or the light chill of morning air, it's the simple things that give us greatest pleasure. Just like the distant clacking of porcelain balls with two disemboweled voices announcing ties for the FA Cup 1st Round.


So, it is essential these delicate joys are crushed into dust, drowned in cliches and sold to the highest bidder. The magic of the Cup was rammed down our gullet with a cudgel on Monday, it brought heavily branded Magic aplenty as we were drawn away to the only team named after a faux-rustic supermarket in-house brand of spam; Port Vale.

Tuesday 17 October 2017
Oopsy, poor old Michael Appleton's career revival may be on hold, his old mucker at Leicester City, Craig Shakespeare has been given the old heave-ho by his Thai paymasters. Mr Big Guns has been put in charge on a temporary basis while the owners figure out which glamorous foreign big name has-been they'll bring in on far too much money to fire him.

Meanwhile, back in the present, I'm Ribiero popped up on the back stick to drive home the equaliser against Wor Jackie Charlton Athletic. 

Wednesday 18 October 2017
Gino van Kessel is currently undergoing 'preventative' treatment for injuries he's yet to sustain. GLS isn't sure exactly what that is, but we're sure the cast he's wearing to fix the broken leg he'll acquire in reckless tackle against Oldham in 2021 is certain to work.
 
Thursday 19 October 2017
Faz had to raid the change jar to pay his fine to the FA for slinging a bottle up in the air in celebration of a goal by Scuttling Joe Rothwell against Peterborough. His defence was presented in a letter to the aged misogynists at Lancaster Gate. In it, Faz offered to racially abuse a black female international footballer if they promised to let him off. The dusty scrotes were very tempted, but felt they couldn't ignore his heinous crime. The family of the plastic bottle damaged in the incident have released a statement commending the action taken.

Friday 20 October 2017
Hipsters' choice Josh Ruffels has sent shockwaves through wearers of neck tattoos everywhere by signing a mainstream deal with the club through to 2020. Ruffels said it was a 'dream' to play for the club he grew up watching at the Manor which was demolished several years before he reached puberty.

Saturday 21 October 2017
It was Mechanised Mass Killing Machine Day at the Kassam on Saturday where we celebrate people systematically de-humanised through rigorous marching. This was the only sign of anything resembling an organised defence as we played out a ding dong 3-3 draw with goals from the newly minted Hipsters' Choice Josh Ruffels, Teeny Tiny Jack Payne and Are Leader Curtis Nelson.

Monday 23 October 2017
The man Twitter extended its character limit for - Sumrith Thanakarnjanasuth - was in the stand for the game of It's A Knockout on Saturday. The man they call Tiger has been prowling the directors' box at the Kassam for a few weeks now, which has given teen soothsayer Oxbible a funny feeling in his trousers.

Tuesday 24 October 2017
Future Banbury Town top scorer Shandon Baptiste is celebrating being called up by Grenada for their friendly with hat, canal and cigar enthusiasts Panama. Shandon joined every other Oxford player interviewed by the Oxford Mail over the last 3 months in describing his experience as 'a dream'.

Thursday 26 October 2017
Les Robinson's Lestimonial launched with a golf day for a couple of ex-pros and some fans who should really be at work, while challenging situational art pranksters the Yellow Army have announced that they will be having an away day at home next month against Northampton. No, we don't know what that means either.

Friday 27 October 2017
It's all AA memberships and prostate adverts in the urinals on Saturday as Oxford travel to Fleetwood Services. Dwight Tiendelli is set for a start, which is timely because he's due another spell on the sidelines starting next Tuesday.

Saturday 28 October 2017
Nothing doing at the Services as we fell to two late goals. Still, a packet of overpriced pork scratchings and a bottle of strawberry Yazoo made for a long journey home.

George Lawrence's Shorts - Light fingered Ricardinho

Monday 9 October 2017
Oxford's Idinho; Ricardinho claims he came over all giddy and didn't know what to do when he scored on Saturday. The cheeky monkey took the match ball and put it up his shirt to mark his wife's pregnancy, but then 'forgot' to give it back. A bit like that time he forgot he was marking his wife's pregnancy with Ryandrea Ledson's iPhone and Curtis Nelson's wallet in a pawn shop.

Having collected all his badges and lit enough many camp fires, Head Scout Craig Dean has dib dib dib and dob dob dobbed his last for the club. Dean has left god's own for Leeds United. He's been instrumental in going to Everton Youth Team games over the last few years picking up a number of gems with appalling diction.

Tuesday 10 October 2017
Henry James' James Henry has hailed PClot's positivity in getting through our three game losing streak last month. Focus, it seems, was on looking at the things that went right during those games by showing the players clips of the good stuff. Clips, gifs, whatever.

Wednesday 11 October 2017
Things have moved on at Shoot magazine since GLS was a boy. PClot didn't mention his White Ford Capri, his preference for pre-match lager and chips or his love of Simply Red in an interview with the long running mag. In it PClot reveals that he was inspired to join Oxford by Garry Monk's long running Oxford career of five games seventeen years ago. The interview is a must read for anyone wanting to see a Spaniard being mercilessly harangued about whether his team will finish 7th, 8th or 9th this year.

Thursday 12 October 2017
It's not all pass, move, flick, trick, entertain this football lark. Calientabanquillos Xemi is taking his time adjusting to life in England. "He's made a huge effort to realise how the game is played here." says PClot about the ex-Barcelona Reserve. This week he's been focussing on early-doors reducers and meaningless sideways passing while watching YouTube clips of Martin Grey in his pomp. Stick with us kid, we'll batter the talent and creativity out of you yet.

16 year-old starlet Owen James has been handed a professional contract a day before his 17th birthday. The striker is looking forward to making his debut in the 78th minute of a Checkatrade game, collapsing under the pressure of being the answer to everything during brief first team goal famine and being loaned out to Didcot Town before he's 20.

Friday 13 October 2017
We travel to Bristol Rovers tomorrow to face some of the greatest Combes of our promotion season. Liam Sercombe may be subject some barracking by the away fans, but he should be able to cope with it because he's got pretty broad shoulders. Meanwhile, Sir Dropsalot, Sam Slocombe, will be dithering at crosses in the Gas goal.

Saturday 14 October 2017
We ruthlessly Sercombe-cised the Pirates with a 1-0 win at the Memorial Ground. The goal was Slocombe-ing, but eventually arrived in the 82nd minute with Alex Mowatt-et-Chandon finishing off some champagne football.

George Lawrence's Shorts - Calientabancas, Thanakarnjanasuth and Vinnie the Ninny

Monday 2 October 2017
PClot has invented a new parlour game; How Long Can I Make An Answer When A Simple Yes Will Do? (working title). On Saturday he won by answering the question 'is that the best you've played this season?' with: "When we analyse it from the point of view of the attitude, the mentality, the resilience of facing a tough situation and keep believing in your principles, yes.”

Assist machine Teeny Tiny Jack Payne was never concerned about our dip in form; “It’s not like we’ve been getting destroyed by teams" he said, after three games in which we've been getting destroyed by teams.

Meanwhile, with a level of conviction not seen since Matt Day claimed eating four doughnuts a day was due to a religious awakening, Calientabancas extraordinaire Xemi revealed that he flew home at the weekend to watch his granny getting beaten by armed police in the Catalonia independence election.

Tuesday 3 October 2017
GLS hates the Checkatrade Trophy, mostly because erstwhile podcasters the Fence End Pod have already come up with the best joke about the games being 'behind closed doors friendlies'. Tuesday saw the arrival of Brighton Juniors to get some real life experience of the intimidating banks of empty seats at the Kassam. We say 'saw'; nobody actually saw it.

The most notable thing about the game was that even teamsheet-hogger Simon Eastwood couldn't be bothered to hang out between the sticks, thereby breaking a sequence of 75 consecutive first team games. The final result? Apparently we lost a 1-1 draw.

Before the game, el Bambino, Rob Hall was awarded player of the round which wasn't, actually, a round, but merely an initial set of games of a league format. But, when did the Checkatrade ever pretend to make sense?

Wednesday 4 October 2017
Faz isn't happy; he hasn't been this angry since his wife burnt his favourite steak and kidney pie. He's been fined for throwing a bottle into the crowd at Peterborough. The daft sod didn't mean to do it, flinging it over his head when we scored. A bit like the time he thought it'd be funny to give his granddaughter a scare by dangling her over the stairwell and she broke three ribs. He'll be contesting the action with the same vigour that he contested that charge for the 'intimate couples kit' he got when searching the mini-bar for a packet of Hob Nobs at the Holiday Inn that time.

To make matters worse, Agon Mehmeti has joined the Oxford United Strikers' Club in a secret initiation ceremony where you roll your trouser leg up and have a cast put on it.

In whimsical happy place in dark times news, Candice Carrol muffins didn't rise against Azerbaijan in the U19 Euro qualifier, as he was sent-off in a dank 0-0 draw.   

Thursday 6 October 2017
Now Oxford Mail is reporting that Sumrith Thanakarnjanasuth has been linked with the club. Of course, 'linked' could also mean 'mentioned by teen soothsayer Oxbible last week'. These are exciting times, Mr Thanakarnjanasuth's interest in Oxford  comes after he walked away from Reading because he couldn't fund them in the Championship. We don't know much about corporate finance, but he sounds just the man we need to fund us in the Championship.

Friday 5 October 2017
AFC Wimbledon travel to the Kassam from Milton Keynes on Saturday. The Ugly Gang will be channeling Fash the Bash and Vinnie the Ninny now they're a fully fledged modern day phoenix club run by fans for fans on Corinthian principles. The Wombles have redefined how football clubs should be run; buying their ground from impoverished non-league tenants to flog for a big profit to a club fattened by satellite TV money and run by a Russian oligarch. What a story, it's like that time MK Dons threw that club from London under a bus to secure their long term future; a true return to the innocent days of yore. 

Saturday 6 October 2017
If being a modern football club means you have to stand aside and watch your opponents outplay you, it's all a bit recherché for us. We concluded the week with a 3-0 with a not so tap-in from Tap-In Thomas, a goalinhio from Ricardinho while Xemi declared independence from the bench to smash home the third. What a Crazy Gang.

This week's further reading

The wrap - we need to talk about Josh Ruffels
Maths of the Day - September - short term tumble 

George Lawrence's Shorts - the ghost of Chris Maguire

Monday 25 September 2017
"Sometimes you take two steps back and three steps forward", said PClot post-Walsall, who clearly hasn't seen Charlotte Hawkins dance on Strictly. He's identified that our current difficulties could be due to a lack of experience in midfield saying “I think our average age in the middle is 22”; we may have 99 problems, but an impressive grasp of our two times table ain't one.

Gino van Kessel's run in the first team has grabbed the attention of Curaçao who have called him up for to fall over a lot against those upstanding human rights fellows, Qatar. If the name rings a bell, it's either because Curaçao is the home of the Jedi Council in Star Wars or you've been encouraged by their Wikipedia page which has a section under 'Economy' dedicated to prostitution. He'll miss our relegation six-pointer against Wimbledon, although you might argue he'd miss it even if he was playing. 

Tuesday 26 September 2017
The team ventured north to face Chris Maguire featuring Bury and were downed by goals from Chris Maguire, Chris Maguire's team mate Darren Beckford and Chris Maguire's other team mate Michael Smith in a 3-0 win for Chris Maguire featuring Bury. Afterwards Chris Maguire said he was shocked that a Chris Maguire-less Oxford United capitulated in a way that no Oxford United that featured Chris Maguire ever would.

As Radio Oxford tried to pull their microphone away, Bury winger, Chris Maguire, crocodile tears pouring down his face, opened up about the painful break-up with the love of his life; attention seeking Oxford United. During the summer he walked until his feet were stumps just to get to the Kassam and would have signed if only they'd shown just a little bit of interest and more money once in a while. 

Thursday 28 September 2017
Jose Mousinho doesn't know why we keep losing shaking his head theatrically while surreptitiously pointing at Scuttlin' Joe Rothwell and Brexit Tory Ryandrea Ledson who were building Lego spaceships in the corner of the dressing room.

Remember teenage oracle OxBible? He's broken the news that we could be taken over by health drink specialists Carabao. Using little more than the power of his own imagination, apparently Sumrith Thanaknjnansuth, which also happens to be what was spelt out when GLS dropped his box of Scrabble down the stairs last week, is in the market for the club. It's true that some foreign types were seen in the executive box on Saturday, described by the bloke in front of GLS as 'a couple o'chinks'. We're certain that casual racism and our performance against Walsall convinced Mr Thanaknjnansuth to part with billions from his sugary gotten gains.

Friday 29 September 2017
Westeros international Agon Mehmeti is in contention for a start against Peterborough on Saturday if he can be bothered to play. Mehmeti says he's surprised at the intensity of training at the club and the fact that you have to be at the training ground 'all the time'. We can all accept the job title 'full-time professional footballer' is somewhat ambiguous in that respect.

The hipsters' choice Josh Ruffles Ruffels is confident that we'll turn around our current form. He's hopeful for a good result on Saturday. He just didn't say which Saturday that might be.

Star baker Candice Carrol will be unwrapped from his cotton wool when he joins up with the Irish U19s again for a European Championship Qualifying mini tournament. Candice will miss cake week against Brighton Juniors in the Checkatrade and the technical challenge of Wimbledon. He's not that bothered, because he likes the showstopper that is international football.

Saturday 30 September 2017  
If the hipsters' choice Josh Ruffles Ruffels keeps going like this; fixed wheel, chai latte drinking bearded millenials everywhere will be disowning him as a bit mainstream. Ruffles Ruffels got the equaliser in a scorching second-half performance against Peterborough. Scuttling' Joe, Tap-in Thomas and even lazy sod Agon Mehmeti weighed with goals for a 4-1 win.

George Lawrence's Shorts - Gunned down

Monday 18 September 2017
Most people come back from a weekend in Blackpool with hazy memories, a worrying discolouring and an overwhelming sense of regret. That certainly seems to be the case with PClot who feels that we should have been riding seaside donkeys rather than them riding us on Saturday. 102-year-old Mike Williamson thinks we're naive, but then everyone's naive when you've experienced everything from the Bore War to the moon landings. Henry James' James Henry thinks his goal is meaningless, dramatically throwing it in the bin then secretly removing the sanitary towels and mouldy banana skins to fish it back out again when everyone's backs are turned.

Mass departures at the club as a whole team of Andy Whing's (featuring 1 x Andy Whing) has left to coach Junior Bake-Off pie specialists, Kidderminster Harriers' U23 team. Like Michael Appleton before him, Whing has been looking for ways to regress his coaching career and looks forward to his new charges being invited to join whatever the Checkatrade Trophy version of the FA Vase is.  

Tuesday 19 September 2017
Having previously taken the team karting, PClot has now taken them to an army camp for a bit of team bonding. The Oxford Mail were at pains to stress this was booked far in advance of the gubbing we received at the hands of Blackpool on Saturday. It seems only Malcolm Shotton thought waterboarding was a legitimate way to punish defensive lapses.

Wednesday 20 September 2017
Andy Whing (remember him?) announced that two days after leaving Oxford United his dream job is to work for Oxford United. One day he wants to manage the team, apparently, and we're sure that coaching Kidderminster Harriers U23s puts him in the perfect position to do just that.

Thursday 21 September 2017
It's been a quiet week in this business we call news, so the opportunity for media hacks to come up with all manner of war-related puns from the squad's field trip to Gibraltar Barracks has been something of a relief. Among them was a picture of Ryan Ledson standing next to a tank, which was actually a tractor and Oxford's own Idiniho - Ricardiniho smiling maniacally with a semi-automatic weapon. Nobody has looked this happy with a killing machine since Kim Jong Un got his latest copy of Readers' Wives' Nuclear Weapons.

Agon Mehmeti has cast off his bear skin cape and traveled south from The Night's Watch. He's in contention for a place for the visit of Walsall on Saturday. Apparently he's impressed because according to the Oxford Mail he was 'shooting down an army side' this week. Expect to see his face featuring on some Britain First propaganda soon.


Friday 22 September 2017
Fearsome midlanders Walsall arrive at the Kassam tomorrow looking for their first away win since Mike Williamson was a boy. Manager John Whitney is ready for the game, he's been watching us for years and has a tailored plan to nullify the threat of Jon Narbett. Whitney, who wants to dance with somebody and will always love us, may have been back on the Class A's with Bobby Brown judging by his assessment of our squad. He's identified defensive midfielder Joe 'two goals in two home games' Rothwell and the vast experience of ageing 20 year old Ryan '57 league appearrnces' Ledson  as key threats. Despite losing left, right and centre, he feels his team really showed their quality in beating West Brom Kindergarten XI in the Checkatrade. See. Straws. Clutch. Straws. Straws. Everywhere.

Saturday 23 September 2017
No YOU eat some humble pie. PClot said he learnt a lot from taking the squad away to an army barracks to pose for PR shots with semi-automatic weaponry. Hopefully one of those lessons is that it may have been more useful to spend some time with a football, or at least introducing the players to each other, or maybe even teaching van Kessel-Run to stand up for more than 2 minutes at a time. Whitney's Walsall had One Moment in Time as his side surged to a 2-0 lead. Brexit Tory Ryan 'Andrea' Ledson pulled one back setting us up for a grandstand finish. Didn't We Almost Have It All in the last few minutes? No. No we didn't.

George Lawrence's Shorts - Pepperdews and seaside rendez-vous

Monday 11 September 2017
Monday morning brought a mixed bag after the weekend's triumphs. Jose's son, John Mousinho described the win over Gillingham as 'pleasing but not ruthless enough', which from 'The Warrior' sounds pretty sinister. Teeny Tiny Jack Payne is buzzing like a sex toy at his ever growing influence over the team. Injury magnet Christian 'I'm Ribiero' Ribiero has an irritating knee, which keeps asking him if he's alright and talks over films saying 'this is a really funny bit, listen, shhh, LISTEN'. Donegal's finest, Jonathan O'Bika hasn't had the luck of the Irish; he'll be out for a week with a tight hamstring.

Tuesday 12 September 2017
Life at the top is all in the margins; there was nothing to split Oxford and Bradford on Tuesday beyond the fact no-one from Bradford has ever eaten a pepperdew stuffed with feta cheese. Goals from Tap-in Thomas and Scuttlin' Joe Rothwell saw us take a point in a 2-2 draw.

Wednesday 13 September 2017
Scuttlin' Joe wasn't happy about last night's last minute equaliser, punching the dugout in frustration. Sorry Joe, in terms of inappropriate acts of aggression you're going to have to do better than that; have you tried Weartherstoning an Asian taxi driver or Alsopping a child's bottom with a banana? 

Thursday 14 September 2017
The club, along with fans' gobshites Oxvox, have issued a strongly worded statement about smoke bombs to a group people with a patchy reputation of listening to committees of middle-aged men. The consequences of said bombs are dire including immediate death, crippling fines and, worst of all, points deductions. Stern stuff; which should have all the resonance of Conservative Councillor condemning teenagers for leaving nitrous oxide canisters in a local beauty spot. In fact, the best way to stop it would be to let a few off in the South Stand Upper and get Peter Rhodes-Brown to raise a chorus of 'let's go fucking mental' before each game. That should have the same impact as the time your mum told you she listens to Skepta because he 'spits nang bars'. Sadly none of the main culprits have been able to read the statement due to a heady combination of temporary blindness and illiteracy.

Friday 15 September 2017
Gino van Kessel's run in less than 12 parsecs which saw him score against resting Premier League giants Portsmouth was voted goal of the month for August. Oxford travel north to Blackpool tomorrow without I'm Ribiero, whose knee continues to irritate by posting oblique references to something bad on Facebook in a desperate attempt to attract sympathy while constantly texting 'where r u?' when he's on a night out. PClot is quoted in the Oxford Mail saying that Dwight Tiendelli and, after a rub of the blarney stone, Jon O'Bika could be in the team next Tuesday, which must be heartening to hear, apart from the fact we don't have a game next Tuesday. PClot's excited, though, hoping that the 1500 Oxford fans making the trip have "one of those nice British weekends"; 'one of those' where you get chlamydia and your mate ends up in prison.


Saturday 16 September 2017
What echoes and smells of seagulls? An intimate part of Jordan's anatomy? Bloomfield Road? The haunting resonance of lost hope? Probably all those things as Oxford fell apart against abandoned seaside club Blackpool. The Seasiders kissed-us-quick with two early goals before Henry James' James Henry got the consolation goal in what ended up a 3-1 mullering.

George Lawrence's Shorts - star bakers, warriors and Sir Les

Saturday 2nd September 2017
Like the lingerie you buy your wife at Christmas, MK Dons are ill-judged, badly fitting, inappropriate and unwanted. On Saturday, we entered the Dons' echo chamber stadium and came away with a point with a goal from El Bambino, Rob Hall. It might have been three points had Donegal's finest Jonathan O'Bika seen van Kessell's run in less than 12 parsecs rather than try to hit the neighbouring Asda superstore in the closing minutes. We've all wanted to do it Jonathan, but you should have squared it, son.

Monday 4th September 2017
2016 Great British Bake-Off winner Candice Carrol put the cherry on the cake with a showtopper performance for the Irish U19 against the Czech Republic. Candice was the star baker, captaining the side to a 2-1 win.

Tuesday 5th September 2017
Jose's son, John Mousinho has made a big early impression, 98 year-old Mike Williamson describes him as a warrior on and off the pitch, which, makes him sound like he'd be a bit of a pain in the arse at a garden party with your nan. It turns out that Mousinho is godfather to Scott Shearer's kids and Williamson played with him at Wycombe. Which sounds like the start of the most incestuous relationship at the club since the fabled early-noughties Northampton Car School of Hunt, Savage, Crosby and Woodman, or that of Talbot and Burgess, of course, ick.

Meanwhile, Dwight Tiendelli's (inevitable) injury against MK Dons is not as bad as feared. He'll be out for a month before returning as a substitute in the Checkatrade Trophy, over-stretching his first challenge, pulling a calf muscle and going back to the physio room for a year of treatment.  

Thursday 7th September 2017
Former Oxford skipper and full-back, Sir Les of Robinson has been given a testimonial by the club just 17 years after he left. As is customary on such occasions, Sir Les will be given the honour of scoring the first goal at the game. Given his record in this area, the club have taken the precaution of extending the match to last 4 days to accommodate. The campaign to give Arthur Gnohere the honours he deserves starts here.

Now, you thought Agon Mehmeti was a character killed by Gregor Clegane in series 2 of Game of Thrones. Well, John Snow isn't the only one able to (spoiler alert) be raised from the dead, Mehmeti's back and signed a 1 year deal with Oxford. The Albanian striker played *select-cut-paste* for PClot at Malmo before wandering the backwaters of Westeros threatening people with dragons and claiming to be the rightful heir to the throne. A great signing, though we'll be screwed come Brexit.

Saturday 9th September 2017
We returned to the Kassam to destroy Gillingham with goals from Teeny Tiny Jack Payne, scuttling Joe Rothwell and El Bambino Rob Hall. Christian Ribiero, who lights up interviews by talking about himself in the third person, pulled out injured moments before kick-off. Apparently he returned to the dressing room and declared "Ribiero is injured, Ribiero not play" before handing the left back role to star baker Candice Carrol who thrived with the technical challenge. Let's hope planning permission for the extension to the treatment room goes through.

George Lawrence's Shorts - Window shopping

Saturday 26 August 2017
Movin' Johnson looked on from the stands suffering from some sort of mind "injury" as his BFF's (Best Friends 'til Friday) plodded their way through a dress rehearsal for a game against Shrewsbury they're presumably planning to play properly at some point in the future. I'm sure it'll be alright on the night, but it needs work (plot spoiler: it ends in a draw). Afterwards the club launched some very lifelike walking-talking PClot dolls which say things like "we'll go back to the training ground next week" and "I deal in facts, he's our player." when you pull a cord in his back. They'll be available in the club shop soon.

Monday 28 August 2017
An eagle-eyed tweeter spotted Birmingham born Movin' Marvin, in actual Birmingham *knowing eyes emoji*. The midlander from Birmingham was pictured having a drink in his hometown with a friend in a bar in the town where he was born which is a relatively short drive away from Oxford where it's conceivable he doesn't live anyway. This drink in the town of his birth, Birmingham, is extremely unlikely to be an innocent evening socialising with friends from his hometown in Birmingham on a Bank Holiday weekend, but a clear indication that Movin's movin' to Birmin'ham.

Tuesday 29 August 2017
Having already broken one Swede, PClot is back in the market for another one; does he think he's buying new scissors from Ikea? This time he an admirer of Admir Bajrovic from Osters. Before long we'll have more rugged Swedes in our physio room than your average organic farm shop.

Those involved in organising the Carabao Cup do their very best to make it the most loathsome competition in the country, but they're amateurs compared to the Checkatrade Trophy. There's nothing like a good away day, and, let's face it, Stevenage on a Tuesday night is nothing like a good away day. We started the proud defence of our runner's-up title with a 6-2 win; which works out at roughly a goal per attendee. Dwight Tiendelli who made his debut, described it as a night to remember; quite possibly, but not by many.

Wednesday 30 August 2017
Don't worry, this will all be over soon. Now Movin' Marvin's movin' to another Portuguese village team, Middlesborough, this time in a £3m deal, or £2.5m plus £500,000 of 'add-ons'; presumably a broken Sega Megadrive, a Ford Cortina and worst of all, a prestige friendly next summer. Or perhaps it's a £2m deal. Let's face it, nobody really knows do they?


Thursday 31 August 2017
Right, brace yourselves; in a completely unexpected move, Marv moves to Portugese part-timers Middlesborough. Bids for Chris Cadden from Motherwell and Cobi Jones from Coventry were rejected (or didn't happen, depending on who you ask). Live bloggers read Twitter to find unsubstantiated rumours, updated live blogs, tweeted they'd updated their live blogs, then read Twitter to find unsubstantiated rumours to update their live blogs for 24 for freakin' hours. And to think, people died to give us this freedom. PClot took training but didn't have his phone, which drove his wife mad because he needs to buy some milk on his way home. He did, however, flick through his  Facebook friends and offer Alex Mowatt a year's loan and sign John Mousinho - son of Manchester United manager Jose - from Burton.

Friday 1 September 2017
Like the morning after a heavy night on a stag do, PClot woke to the feint smell of lager, a pizza slice stuck to his face and unfamiliar bodies everywhere. Jose's son and Alex Mowatt look set to go straight into the squad as Curtis Nelson is struggling for Saturday which would give Aaron 'the rumour' Martin a start against fake-news footballers MK Dons, and nobody wants that, do they?

George Lawrence's Shorts - I like to move it Marv it

Saturday 12 August
Perspective is everything in football. Take resting Premier League giants Portsmouth - Sol Campbell lifting the FA Cup is big, but far away, Danny Rose is small but very close. This can get confusing, especially when getting annihilated 3-0 with goals from a Tap-in Thomas, a wonder strike from van Kessel and a crowning moment from The Hipsters' Choice, Josh Ruffles Ruffels.

Afterwards Eveals confirmed that Portuguese village team Hull had put in an offer for Marvin Johnson. He's rejected it screaming "I WANT MORE MONEY TO BUY ANGORA RABBITS". Crack out the castanets, another transfer tango begins.

Monday 14 August
When GLS was a boy, teenagers spent their time sniffing glue and looking at pictures of Linda Lusardi in a sexy cave girl outfit. Now they set up Twitter accounts called things like EFL Transfer Zone, promising to give you all the latest transfer gossip they’ve read in national newspapers or made up themselves. Soft porn will never be the same again. The latest revelation is that Movin’ Marvin Johnson is demanding a Marv, er, move; "I need to play in the City of Culture, I hear 'A Short History of Tractors in Ukraine' is a triumph" he's alleged to have said.

Tuesday 15 August
Now Marvin’ ain’t movin’ or at least not at the moment, according to official fan gobshites Oxvox. He hasn’t formally asked for a transfer and his agent isn’t the same agent who hustled his move from Motherwell. So, that puts that one to bed once and for all.

Wednesday 16 August
Erm, on, off, not on at the moment, wish it didn’t happen at all. Eveals has decided the way to stop teams poaching his best players is by not having a transfer window, at least not one during the season. Eveals spends his summers in his secret underground lair plotting the destruction of the club, so nobody would be able to get to him anyway. Cunning.

Thursday 17 August
PClot has an eye for spotting an old banger liable to break down on first use. First 84 year-old Mike Williamson, now a 23 year old Rover Metro for the week's worst trainer. A small has-been from the 90s with bad tracking? You might like to think of it as Martin Gray with wheels.

Saturday 19 August
Marvin’ wasn’t movin’ much on Saturday as we lost to S****horpe. He was “injured” with a “tight hamstring”. That didn't stop his girlfriend from posting a picture of them on Instagram having a lovely day out together, #nofilter #familytime #blimeyhousesinhullarecheap.

Monday 21 August
In an avalanche of apostrophes, now Movin’ is movin’ to Birmin’ham according to teen online soothsayer OxBible. ‘Arry Redknapp has sabotaged Portuguese village side Hull with a £2.5m deal. KerCHING! All that Movin’ needs to do now is to hope his “injured” “tight hamstring” has cleared up sufficiently to pass a medical.

Tuesday 22 August
Meanwhile, in a surprise move - not least to the permanently bewildered striker himself, Kane Hemmings has gone to Mansfield on loan with the view to a permanent deal. Apparently he's quite happy, because he knows some of the players there like 'Macca' and 'Digger' as well as other members of Auf Wierdeshen Pet. The boy wizard Alfie Potter is there too apparently.

The mystic Oxbible predicted this by reading the countless forum posts weeks ago linking Hemmings to the Stags. He’s also been looking into the tea leaves and is now predicting Marvin Emnes is on his way in, as originally predicted by a wholly reliable fake Oxford Mail Twitter account two or three weeks ago.

So, in summary, Marvin’s movin’ before we start movin’ for Marvin. Keep up.

Wednesday 23 August
Not since GLS spent a whole lunch hour cross-checking James Henry's arm tattoo has a picture been analysed so much. PClot took the team go-karting on Wednesday as a team building exercise, posting a picture of the happy band on Twitter. Who was lurking in the background obscured by the hand of Xemi? Was it Movin' Marvin?

Thursday 24 August
Why yes, not only is movin' Marvin not movin', he's been movin' in trainin' following his "injured" "tight hamstrin'". Seriously, this is a catapostrophe. PClot is pleading with Movin' to focus on playin' well for Oxford and not be distracted by the transfer speculation that, of course, doesn't exist because he's not for sale and only Portugese village team Hull have had a sniff.

Also, back in training, in a world where nobody knew he wasn't out of training in the first place, is Tap In Thomas. Apparently he's looking sharp and has even been seen trying some long range from almost four yards out.  

George Lawrence's Shorts - Trigger's broom

Saturday 5 August 2017
Did you get to Oldham? PClot did, the lucky blighter. Goals from Tap-In Thomas and the hipsters' choice Josh 'Don't call me Ruffles' Ruffels saw us bring home the bacon from the season opener at Boundary Park. Pre-match talk was of Kane Hemmings' omission from the starting line-up. The club said they weren't prepared to take a risk on the striker without being entirely clear on what that was; the risk of him looking bewildered as he shanks another chance agonisingly wide maybe?

Monday 7 August 2017 
Clearly one of them Brexit Remoaners, Faz says that English players are too expensive and is looking for some cheap foreign imports to bolster the squad. As he gently hid a zero-hours contract out of sight among his vintage collection of Shoot magazines, news broke that we've been linked with Ivo Pekalski.  

Tuesday 8 August 2017
And lo, PClot, Father of the Injury Prone, Friend of Journeymen, gets his man. The Swede worked with the Clotfather at Malmo and was signed with the money from Lunny. 

Now, you may have never heard of Carabao before they started sponsoring the Milk Cup, but it's been the second favourite drink of Thai teenage diabetics for nearly 15 years. Fittingly, a single can, containing 120% of your daily recommended dose of sugar, is not only a perfectly balanced organic nutritious drink for aspiring professional athletes, it will also help you stay awake during extra time while watching gentle poetic capitulations. The play-off against Cheltenham Town to find out who narrowly goes out in round 2 ended in a 3-4 defeat in the dead of the night.

Wednesday 9 August 2017
The pursuit of Eveals and his cunning plan to destroy Oxford United continued with the Fans Forum. In it, Eveals revealed that he's running a defender laundering racket through Solihull Moors by sending out the BFG Fiarce Kelleher (remember him?) on loan. He also confirmed there's a 'huge amount of politics in Oxford politics' but remained silent on how much Oxford there is. This is clearly a sign, it's just a question of deciding of what. PClot, meanwhile, categorically refused to confirm whether he had a goldfish. And if he's willing to hide that, what else might he be hiding?

Some sort of human trafficking operation if rumours from Prague are true. They've now revealed that winger Gino van Kessel is currently hidden in a compartment of a transit van waiting to board a ferry to sign a year's loan.

Thursday 10 August 2017
Well, put matching rucksacks on their backs, enrol them in an English language school and let them hang around Carfax Tower, Oxford has another foreigner in town. Gino van Kessel makes it signing number eight since PClot took over. With complex international clearance to negotiate, the club's senior fax operator Mick Brown was heard muttering 'I preferred it when I was dealing with the Eddie Hutchinson thing'.

Friday 11 August 2017
As Oxford evolve into the football equivalent of Trigger's broom, news now reaches us that Marvin Johnson is being eyed up by Hull. If that name rings a bell, Hull were the sun-fearing Portugese village team we beat on the club holiday. Don't do it Marv, these holiday romances never feel the same afterwards.

Then it was rumoured that Curtis Nelson is being chased by Leeds. Apparently he was spied at Elland Road a week ago. With resting Premier League giants Portsmouth visiting the Kassam tomorrow, don't be surprised to see long serving striker Gino van Kessel heading to Middlesborough before the weekend is out.

George Lawrence's Shorts - Winter is coming

Saturday 29 July
Last week PClot was quietly introducing what he described as 'new tactical concepts' confirming we're not in Danny Hylton country anymore. He also went shopping up north, because everything is much cheaper, signing teeny tiny Jack Payne on loan from Huddersfield. Teeny Tiny is just 5 ft 5 inches tall, and has long been an admirer of Oxford; he still looks up to Sam Deering to this day. Expect similar signings in the next few days; as we know Micro Machines come in collections of five.

While up north, we faced local non-league side Leeds in our final friendly. Played at a pace a sloth eating his bodyweight in Mogadon described as a bit slow, a second 2-0 reverse confirmed we need a 45-goal a season striker. Leeds' first goal was scored by Kemar Roofe, who respectfully didn't celebrate in front of his former fans. Or his current fans. Or any fans as the stadium was hauntingly empty.

Monday 31 July
Eternal optimists Portsmouth have sold their allocation for our first home game a week on Saturday. The Premier League giants currently 'resting' in League 1 will bring a numerically precise 1,749 fans to the Kassam on the 12th August in an ongoing campaign to win promotion by ringing a cowbell and pretending their FA Cup win wasn't nearly a decade ago.

Tuesday 1 August
It's Piers Pennington Day! For When Saturday Comes, the Jeremy Corbyn of football magazines, Piers is the go-to man for all things Oxford United. His Twitter profile reveals his obsession with the club - retired, lives in London, hates Tories, Man City diehard. Wait, what? Every year WSC goes to Piers to give sandal wearing Marxists everywhere the lowdown on our season. Capturing the true spirit of last year, Piers eschews the Cup win over Newcastle, Toni Martinez's equaliser at Middlesborough, the two wins over Swindon and Chris Maguire Chris Maguiring, to claim the penalty shoot-out against Chelsea Under-23s in the Chicken-Trade Trophy as last season's highlight. Thanks Piers. A collective vote of all the Piers' around League 1 has us finishing 10th.

Wednesday 2 August
In a move that apparently constitutes news, the squad numbers have been announced. The club have adopted a conventional approach, starting with one and ascending in a sequential order thereafter. This year Teeny Tiny Jack Payne is Chris Maguire at ten, PClot's special football friend Dwight Tiendelli will be Joe Skarz at 3 and Aaron Martin who is rumoured to play for Oxford United will wear the number 6 shirt.

Thursday 3 August
With the new season days away Oxford United's squad is increasingly looking like a computer game that can't get an official licence for players' names. Following Fake-Xavi, Xemi, we have just signed generic Brazilian 'idiniho' Ricardinho. Meanwhile Fiacre Kelleher who accidentally signed for the club when delivering an Amazon package for Faz, has been loaned out to Solihull Moors. Rumours that it was at the request of Nick Harris who was having panic attacks at the thought of pronouncing his name remain unconfirmed.

Friday 4 August
The new season is on us, Ryan Ledson is so excited he might wet himself. Christian Riberio feels he's ahead of where he was a year ago insomuch that with hours until kick-off he appears to be walking. First opponents Oldham have only just signed a goalkeeper which seems like a tactical oversight. Meanwhile the club have moved to assure everyone that signing older players is not a change of policy, it's just to stop Faz scaring the youngsters with talk of his prostate. And that's that; coats on everyone, winter is here.

George Lawrence's Shorts - Evil Eales

Saturday 22 July
Oxford's summer tour of under-achieving Championship perennials continued with the visit of Birmingham City. Pre-match talk was of the surprise inclusion of Swansea's Luciano Narsingh. As players stared at the bench saying thing like 'You know, it doesn't look like him' and 'To be honest, I don't know who you're talking about' we conceded two goals from which we never recovered thereby confirming our relegation next May. Turns out "Luciano" was actually his inferior brother Furdjel, who is very similar in that he's also a player we at GLS have never heard of. It's like that time we were all confused about whether it was Simon or Ross Weatherstone that was the nasty violent racist.

Tuesday 25 July
In a deal slower than John Lundstram breaking out of midfield, Lungey finally put pen to paper and signed for Sheffield United. Some will argue that joining Chris Wilder is more rash than the two-footed challenge that ruled him out of the JPT final in 2016. The fee, originally mooted to be around £500,000 was coquettishly described by the club as 'undisclosed but attractive' which suggests £78 and a poster of Scarlett Johansson.

Fans were disgusted at how Darryl 'Evil' Eales was replacing free-transfer John Lundstram from Everton with free-transfer Xemi from foreign no-marks Barcelona. What is it that Eveals is hiding behind his smokescreen of giant killings, derby wins, Wembley visits and promotion?

Wednesday 26 July
To appease the pitchfork waving locals and their grotesquely over-inflated expectations, the club rapidly announced that 64-year-old former Newcastle defender Mike Williamson had signed after temping at the club over the summer. Williamson's not here to to hang out with Faz and talk about Jackie Milburn over an extra strong Yorkshire tea with two sugars. 'I'm here to win things' he said enviously eyeing Jack Stevens' discarded Oxfordshire Senior Cup runners'-up medal.

Thursday 27 July
Oxvox, a kind of club for the unreasonably entitled, circulated a series of fans' personal subjective observations, phrased as universally agreed facts and presented as questions to Darryl Eveals. Naturally, every word uttered by Eveals to challenge fans' groundless uniformed opinion were all categorical, well evidenced and reasonably phrased lies. This is just typical of the man whose dastardly doings include making the club profitable while increasing the playing budget only 300% in three years. We are the fans and therefore we are always right; Eveals, whatever you're doing, and let's face it, we don't know what that is but it's probably bad despite the evidence to the contrary; we're on to you.

Meanwhile, Curtis Nelson was made the club's new head-prefect and milk monitor responsible for ensuring that flip flops are always worn in the shower. This news undoubtedly gave grimacing Oxford skipper-sniffer Chris Wilder a funny feeling in his trousers.

Friday 28 July
One of the nice things about pre-season is the opportunity for big clubs like us to visit smaller clubs to help fill the coffers. Hence the reason Oxford will visit Leeds United on Saturday for the final friendly before the big day next week. It's particularly poignant for Kemar Roofe who is looking forward to facing some familiar Oxford faces but will ultimately be disappointed to find none are left.

George Lawrence's Shorts - To Hull and back

Saturday 15 July
They don’t have sun in Hull, which is why they cowered at the thought of what the great fireball in the sky might do to them in Portugal. As players huddled in groups looking to the heavens saying things like ‘is it me or is that thing getting closer?’ Wes ‘tap in’ Thomas, scored two trademark close range goals in a 2-1 win. Our unbeaten Portugese adventure all but confirming our promotion to the Championship next May.

Monday 17 July
Professional grudge magnet Chris Wilder tabled a £500,000 bid for John Lundstram. Lunny has played over a 100 attractive free-flowing games for Oxford in two years, so it might be a relief to take a break from that for a year or two. Twitter was disgusted at the derisory fee on the basis that Kyle Walker's just signed for Manchester City for £54m. Using a not entirely clear logic involving comparing apples with bananas, Lunny must be worth at least, depending on who you ask, half or twice that much. This is true; HS2 is costing £42bn and that can't ding a forty yard crossfield pass beyond Rochdale's defence for shit.

Tuesday 18 July
The Oxford Mail did an interview with PClot in which he tells us that he likes heavy metal, full backs bombing on and that he would choose the Flammulated owl if he ever went to Hogwarts, or something. He wouldn't reveal the most famous person on his mobile phone which means it's either Garry Monk's mum or several prominent members of ISIS.

Yes, it was that quiet a day until it was announced that we'd signed someone called Xemi from Barcelona, who appears to be a Spanish Danny Rose or the Hispanic Yemi depending on which Twitter joke you prefer. Xemi claims the move is a dream come true, as a boy back in Catalonia he idolised Matt Murphy and was teased by his friends for trying to emulate his hero by missing open goals and generally getting the blame for everything.

Wednesday 19 July
Apart from professionally organised defences, the most notable absence in the 3-4 goal monsoon against Brentford was the absence of John Lundstram. Afterwards, the club all but confirmed that he's heading for Sheffield United. So riled by Michael Appleton's claim that Oxford were the best League 2 team in 2016, Chris Wilder seems to be going all R Kelly and luring Oxford players into an abusive sex cult.

Thursday 20 July
It's the day they're calling Oxford's Hiroshima. Not only is Lundstram going, but the player who nobody has heard hide nor hare of since May and applauded the crowd against Shrewsbury in a gesture which screamed 'Bye I'm signing for another club' actually then had the audacity to sign for another club. Yep, Chris Maguire has gone to Bury. It's OK fellas, we survived Danny Hylton going to Luton, we'll get through this.

George Lawrence's Shorts - bras, booze and Boro

Saturday 8 July
Eskimos have fifty words for snow, which is nothing compared to the ways Oxford City have found to tell people they have a new pitch. It was carpet burns aplenty as their older, more sophisticated cousins traveled to Court Farm on Saturday to play a team in blue and white hoops on a plastic pitch  for the first time since QPR in the 1980s. Those were simpler times, of course, when the name Simon Stainrod wasn't considered funny. Still, a 3-0 win was a satisfactory way of starting pre-season, although as we know with friendlies, it's not the result that counts but more what we learn from the exercise, which, in this case, is precisely nothing.

Monday 10 July
Fearful of being subjected to foreign muck, PClot has packed as much patatas bravas as he can carry and has taken the team to Portugal. This is the trip where the Yellow Army march in their espadrilles to colonise small balconies of holiday apartments with their Oxford flags and then put the pictures on Twitter. Last year Chris Maguire and Joe Rothwell appeared mid-way through the week like two members of a stag party who'd disappeared one night and had an experience that they will never talk of again. Faz reckons there may be similar signings during the week, but let's face it, Faz is on holiday and is already quite drunk.

Tuesday 11 July
Twitter is alight with fans' pictures of ice cold lagers set against the cobalt blue skylines as well as official pictures of the players glistening in sweat wearing those tight bras which appear to be the fashion these days. I guess just because they're sports people doesn't mean they don't want to feel feminine and desirable. In what is increasingly looking like a campaign to make Aaron Martin feel as inadequate as possible, former Wolves defender, Mike Williamson is wearing a bra with the rest of the squad this week.


Wednesday 12 July
Talk about Portugese football immediately evokes memories of the past; names drift through the air with a vividness that you can almost taste; names like Eusebio, Benfica and, above all, Middlesbõrõúgh. For those who don't know, Middlesbõrõúgh is a small fishing town just along the coast from Albufiera famous for its fresh mackerel (Note to editor: check facts before publishing please). I don't know much about their team, but I assume it's full of moustachioed ice-cream sellers and waiters with an unhealthy interest in young female tourists, which makes the 0-0 draw all the more disappointing.

Earlier in the day, James Henry jetted in to do a Chris Maguire and signed after his release from Wolves. According to FIFA, Henry is a winger with a total IGS 1789, whatever that means. He plays down the opposite flank to Marvin Johnson. Having two flying wingers makes for an exciting prospect in the future, and when I say future, I mean the near future before Johnson is sold next month.

Thursday 13 July
Not that these pre-season overseas jaunts are a Disneyland version of the Austrian original in 2015 but I'm beginning to think I should organise a pop-up Clumsy's every year serving steins of lager in lederhosen. The latest tradition, between mini-golf and gutsy renditions of Sweet Caroline, are signings. If this year's Chris Maguire was James Henry, then this year's Joe Rothwell is Dwight Tiendalli. We now have more defensive assets than South Korea when Kim Jong Un has been on the bourbon.    

George Lawrence’s Shorts – the week

Saturday 2nd July
Frank Lampard, Patrick Kluivert, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink; sounds like a line-up of pundits for the BBC’s coverage of the World Cup. In fact it was the candidate list for Oxford United's next manager. Despite this stellar line-up, the club finally announced former Leeds and Swansea assistant hombre, Pep Clotet as its new manager. Everyone wished him well, including his former boss, Garry Monk, who is most famous for playing five games on loan at the Manor in 2001.

Monday 3rd July
Allegedly, Clotet started work, although there was no media unveiling; no picture of him holding a shirt, no scarf snaffled from the club shop, not even a branded football in sight. Instead, it seems, he was shown the toilets, given the code for the photocopier and left to read the health and safety manual while people working in the ticket office eyed him with suspicion.

Tuesday 4th July
Day 2 and PClot remains under-wraps – today Faz took him to Sainsbury’s at Heyford Hill to buy his lunch – olives and grilled vegetables from the deli for Pep, triple BLT on white bread and a can of Coke for Faz - his wife will kill him if she finds out. Meanwhile, Oxford City manager Mark Jones is excited to be playing against the new manager, who he’s admired him ever since he heard about him about a week ago.

Wednesday 5th July
He talks! Clotet is finally unveiled as manager to a panting media corp. Flanked by ubiquitous media titan Chris Williams and with Faz in a pair of disconcerting shorts in the audience, Darryl Eales was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps the trippy carpet design in the conference centre aggravates his vertigo. Williams did his job, aside from making it look a bit like we were revealing a new left-back signing from our Conference days, ensuring Clotet referred to beating Swindon seven times in a row, not including the Checkatrade, but including the JPT (aka NITCBITJPT). Fans were in rapture at Pep’s entirely unscripted off-the-cuff remark. Here’s a man who has clearly been following our progress with close interest. We await his analysis of Wayne Biggins’ ill-fated short career spearheading the Oxford attack in 1995.

Thursday 6th July
In the undeniably sexually charged sado-masochistic relationship between the club and its fan, when things go a little too far you just have to say the word ‘Chris Maguire’ and the nipple clamps are taken off and the electric charge on your anal probe is turned down to a tolerable level. Conversely, you just have to say Sam Deering and your genitals get tied up in garden bind and you’ll be racially abused, some nurses like it, though presumably not many. Pep’s been discussing players with the club’s highly secretive ‘recruitment department’. Imagine a sitting of the Jedi council, but with Maurice Evans and Brian Talbot as holograms. Dr X, the recruitment team’s sinister overlord, sitting in his underground lair shouted ‘Chris Maguire’ and our faltering summer of recruitment was resolved, joy unrestrained via Twitter although the exact phrase may have been ‘Chris Maguire’s still not answering his phone’.

During PClot’s close analysis of our seven-in-a-row (NITCBITJPT), Donegal's finest, Jonathan O'Bika’s talents caught his eye. The more tribal Oxford fans were questioning whether the Spaniard knew us at all by enticing someone to cross the A415 at Kingston Bagpuize, but those who are getting their knickers in a twist about the move are forgetting the success of our last Swindon convert, Medhi Kerrouche.

Friday 7th July
The away kit is revealed and it’s black. This was predicted by teen soothsayer Oxbible months ago, but it’s not the reboot of the home shirt he predicted. This puts paid to several jokes I’d pre-prepared for the today. The one about Status Quo was particularly good. Still, it’s the first black kit since 2005/6; a celebration of that auspicious year in which we were relegated from the Football League. Ah, happy days.